Go Fuck Yourself
by Rafaela Valdez
Not far to the northeast from Tanjil Castle lay a town at the bottom of Mt. Lancar known as Aleandar Bluff. It was known across the kingdom for its freshly brewed beers and happily plied any travelers with a mug of three to cover production costs and have them spread the word so business would come in more and more. Surprisingly enough, Siofra had never actually been there herself, since they shipped their goods straight to the castle and that meant less walking and less work for her. That is, she hadn't been until today, when the king had ordered her to go investigate an error in production they were having.

Anything to save her precious drink. She was up and armed and ready to go in record time, saluting and bowing quickly and running out, making her way on foot before anyone even had time to say goodbye to her. The Lady was there within an afternoon, making record time. The town smelled heavenly to her; the hops and mash and yeast all mixing in the air to produce a sour, bitter, refreshing smell. She could almost taste it on her tongue, drooling as she made her way in and looked for the main alehouse.

Siofra spotted a young, busty woman out of the corner of her eyes standing nearby, looking her up and down and tracing her with her glare, grinning as she noticed a big, fat, purple and blue tail coming out of her, which she was sitting on, coiled and tight. So the town was filled with lamia; a wave of regret filled the paladin for not visiting sooner. Had she known that these lovely serpent ladies were running the show, she'd be here every weekend at least.

The knight sidled up to the lamia, her eyes looking right between her tits and grinned, putting an arm around her and speaking in a friendly tone.

“Hello, milady! I hope this day finds you well! I'm from Tanjil Castle and I have been sent here to help you figure out what's wrong with your manufacturing process! You can call me Lady Siofra Whelan. Or lover, if that's what you prefer.” sneered Siofra, waggling her eyebrows a bit and nuzzling the lamia cheek to cheek.

“Oh, it's you again. I know who you are. We already went through this last night, honey. Don't you remember waking up next to me this morning hungover and naked?” asked the lamia, sounding extremely confused and somewhat annoyed.

“Er, what?” exclaimed Siofra, backing off a bit and rubbing her head. “I'm afraid you have the wrong woman. I just got here, and I most certainly wasn't hungover this morning! Well, not too much. I'm pretty sure I'd remember banging you, at any rate.”

“That's odd. If what you claim is true, then. A woman with your looks hit on me in a similar fashion last night and won her way into my bedchamber. Are you certain that's not you, Lady Whelan?”

“Yeah. Positive. I wouldn't forget someone like you nor would I let me giving you my name first slip my mind! I insist, milady, 'twas not me! I'm sleazy, aye, but the last thing I'd do is forget a face as lovely as yours nor not remember thy name!” Siofra began to sweat. It was hard enough for her to not treat a lady right before fucking them, let alone go this far with it. For once, she was completely innocent.

“Well, you seem harmless. Kind of stupid and flirty, but harmless. If you insist, Lady Whelan, I am Lindain and I own the alehouse. Have you ever worked with the kind of machines used to brew beer with before?” the lamia sighed, rubbing her temples. It was going to be one of those days.

Siofra just shook her head, ignoring the comment about her intelligence. Her duty and desire to drink overrode her need to debate if she had half a brain or not or if that brain was in her pants or elsewhere. “Nay, but I'm a fast learner! Show me what the problem is and how things work and I bet I have it up and running again within a day!”

“My my, such confidence! Well, let's see if you can put your skills where your big mouth is, little miss paladin. Come with me~” With that, Lindain slithered off, beckoning the knight to follow. Siofra happily did so, making sure to get a nice good eyeful of that cute, wide snake ass before her and thinking about what she'd do to it.

They arrived shortly after, Lindain giving Siofra the factory tour and giving her a pair of work gloves and a face mask, sending her over to clear the mash vat. Something got in it the other day and they weren't sure if it was alive or not. Either way, it wouldn't be sober anymore, and only a brave paladin could be able to deal with something as nasty as a drunk vagrant. In all honesty, none of them wanted to spend days smelling like fermenting hops, and passing the buck onto someone as eager as the paladin was worth paying for.

With only some hesitance, Siofra stripped down to her skivvies and put the mask and gloves on, giving Lindain a thumbs up and pointing to her crotch. “You know, when this is all well and done, you can come wrangle with my own trouser snake if you wanna get a taste of the real deal~”

“Just do your damn job already, woman!” Lindain growled, leaving and closing the door behind her.

Siofra sighed and got in the barrel. The mash was already designated to be thrown out anyways, so may as well get in and enjoy it. Deep down inside, she was mourning the loss of a batch in progress, knowing it'd never go down her throat or past her lips, almost weeping for it openly as she put her hands in and slopped around for what was clogging it.

Her hands groped around, as they so usually do, until they came across something thick and sludgy. It was firm, so she grabbed on lightly and began to pull and pull. A pile of green began to come up into her hands, oozing over her and down her already soaked panties, coming to the top of the mash and reforming, almost moving on its own. A face showed itself, the pile sitting up, two large gooey breasts forming as it yawned and grinned.

“Ahh, did I fall asleep where I wasn't supposed to again?” the gooey girl said as she came to, a good bit of her still resting in Siofra's underwear, wiggling about and making the poor paladin pant and squirm a bit. An on-the-job fingering by a cute slime girl is definitely a job perk she could get used to, letting herself leer and hump into it. She'd have to thoroughly wash the goo and mash out of her moistening cunt later thoroughly but it was a small price to pay in exchange for an orgasm now. Siofra was not known for her pickiness, after all.

The green ooze slicked and gelled across Siofra's slit and cunt lips, feeling cool to the touch and exciting her, making her hole throb as she sighed and just took it, putting all her energy into standing up and not falling over in aroused bliss into the vat. The stickiness mixed in with her leaking juices as a bit went inside, freely wriggling and expanding in her as it slurped across her clit, making it throb and peek out, groaning and gritting her teeth as she shut her eyes and held onto the edge of the tub, letting out hard grunts as she felt herself begin to buck and cum hard and deep, her face flush as red as her hair was.

“Y-you should do that more often if that means you wake up with me and already are getting into my pants. Wow, that was nice~” sighed Siofra, a bit drained as she readjusted herself, feeling both drained and encouraged from her free quickie. “B-but maybe don't, ah, do it in the beer? I mean, it's ruined now as is, but ahh, a real bed would be much nicer.”

“Oh, it's you again?” the slime girl asked as she yawned, collecting herself as she slid out of the tub, shaking off the mash that still clung to her. “I didn't know you were staying in town another day!?”

Siofra stood, confused, her brain still addled from the free sex. Not this shit again. “This is the second time today. Don't tell me, some girl with my face fucked you earlier and you think I came back for you. I'd remember you, I swear. Though, I may as well ask, do you have any idea where she might be now?”

“Probably at the pub. She was either there or sleeping around half the town yesterday.” 

“...She even acts like me. Wonderful. Now that this is settled, I think it's time to go get an after work drink and maybe have a little chat with this woman, if she's stuck around.” Siofra shook herself off too, trying her best to squeeze all the mash she could out of her clothing before getting dressed. She was going to reek either way, may as well just go as is for now. “Though you I'll want to feel up more later. I'm Lady Siofra Whelan, so you know what to scream in bed later.”

With a wink and a rolling of the slime girl's eyes, the now musky, mashy, sour paladin made her way to the nearest pub, ducking in and giving a grin to the ladies as she took the nearest seat, watching as a few closer patrons backed away from the amazing stench that was wafting off the paladin. Even the bartender refused to get near her, just sliding her drink down the counter and putting  a napkin over his face anytime he got near.

She didn't really care; the cool, frothy mixture against her lips and slicking down her throat into her stomach was more than worth the mild ostracizing over her lack of hygiene. Besides, it's a brewing town, you think they'd be used to such smells by now. Her eyes scanned the pub as she chugged, taking slow, deep quaffs as she surveyed the room, making herself try to look as inconspicuous as possible as she kept her body focused to the front.

And that's when she noticed something not quite right on the far right side of the pub. Either that was a nice, fancy mirror that was reflecting her face back but not her clothing nor its proper colors, or...

Siofra choked on her ale once she realized that that must be the woman everyone had been mistaking her for. Foam drooled down her chin and neck, making her wipe it on her already filthy sleeve, trying to regain composure as everyone turned to stare at her. She sure picked a hell of a time to visit town if her unexpected twin was going to waltz in at the same time. The paladin thought for sure that Fyrshala was just fucking with her and testing her yet again; if it wasn't coincidence, it was most likely her choice in patron deities being her old asshole self yet again. It's hard to tell sometimes.

“It's you!” shouted Siofra, standing up and pointing rudely across the pub, seething with wide eyes and gritted teeth. Honestly, she looked and sounded as ridiculous as she smelled, but she didn't care. Who was this woman and why did she have her face? She stomped on over and took a seat next to her lookalike, arrogant as she slammed her mug down on her table, looking at her with low, angry eyes. “You're the one going around fucking the women of this town in my name, aren't you? And you didn't even ask if you could use my face first? You knave!”

The other woman just sat and stared, wondering just what in the name of the Embers was going on. There was some crazed drunken berserker woman now at her table demanding a showdown about...sleeping around or something? It took her a minute of looking Siofra over to figure out just what could possibly be the matter as to warrant such an extreme, boisterous reaction. A good hard glance at her face, as angry and red and distorted as it was, the paladin's teeth gritted and bared at her like some kind of dog, to give her the answer.

“Ahh, oh, this is a problem now isn't it?” was all she could manage as a response, scratching her temple and trying not to blush. 

“You're godsdamned right it's a problem, little lady! You're going around with my face and sleeping with women before I can, and now they won't go near me as they think I'm you!” snorted Siofra, taking another chug and seething as she slammed her mug down.

“Well, oh dear. Do you think perhaps we could reach a more, er, calm answer? Everyone's staring at us and I'd rather drink in peace.” she tried to give her hand out to offer a friendly shake. “I'm Siofra, what's your name?”

The paladin choked and began sputtering like mad. “THAT'S MY NAME! Just who in the Embers do you think you are?”

“...The Swordarm of Fyrshala? From Tanjil? I like ale?” the other Siofra answered, her eyes going out of focus as she eyed the patrons around them, looking for a possible exit in case this got worse.

“Who died and made you me? That's it, we're going upstairs, we need to have a chat in private where these drunken morons won't bother two women just trying to have a friendly chat!” Siofra slammed her hands on the table and began to barge upstairs, making sure the imitator was following her. “Come on now, it's gonna be a while, so you best get here now and make yourself comfortable!”

The other girl sighed and left enough money on the counter to pay for their drinks and then some. In her anger, Siofra forgot to be a good patron, instead just finding a small office and tapping her foot impatiently inside of it, giving the other girl angry leers. Once she showed up, Siofra locked the door and sat in a chair, arms crossed, doing her best to look intimidating, cheeks puffed as she chew on one of her lips, casting a light flame aura around her so small embers would pop off her.

“You got a lot of explaining to do, Siofra.” the paladin said with enough contempt to choke a demon, her finger pointing straight at the other Siofra. “First of all, I'm Siofra. Second of all, you didn't even get my colors right! What's with this gaudy pink and white getup? You're making me look like some poor lost schoolgirl's love confession note!”

“Oh, this? Are these not the colors of love and passion that please Fyrshala so?” the other girl replied.

“Strip. I want that off you. I wanna see just how much of you looks like me.” Siofra stood up, immediately getting into her skivvies again herself and snarling. “Come on, don't be chicken now.”

“Er, I don't think we need to go this far, I'll just---”

“STRIP!” screamed Siofra, stomping her foot down like a child.

The other girl sighed and stood up, beginning to unlatch her armor, working it off until she got to the padded layer underneath, doffing that as well until she was down to just a simple chainmail bikini set, crossing her arms as well over her ample chest and blushing.

“There, you happy, Siofra?” she snarled, slapping the paladin's hand away as she tried to grope at her chest and giving her the finger. “Hey, who said you could touch?”

“Tch, I wasn't gonna do nothing to you! I just wanted to make sure what I'm seeing is real. Looks like your tits are bigger than mine, dammit.” Siofra was livid. If this imposter wasn't a succubus, she was at least doing a damn good job mocking one of the few things she felt a bit self conscious about. “Lucky you. I'd kill for a pair of fat tits like that. No wonder all the women here fell into your pants easily!”

“Oh, come on, you wear armor too, you should know how hard it is to get a good idea of how big someone's rack is in there! Give me some credit; it must've been my handsome face or my charming words. If you're claiming to be the real Siofra, you'd count on those more, am I correct?” the imposter replied, tricking Siofra into leaning over a bit and looking her in the eye, chin in hand as she looked her face over thoughtfully.

“Okay, I'll give you one point, you devil. And that is I am, indeed, devilishly handsome. You are just like looking in a mirror, after all.” Siofra managed a small grin, almost forgetting her original mission to squeeze info out of her, lost to her own ego.

The imposter did the same, giving her a good set of bedroom eyes and smiling at what she saw. “Yeah, we are. I could get used to looking at myself like this.”

A silent moment passed between them. The two admired each other a bit, the gears in their brains slowly turning and coming to the same conclusion at the same time. Wouldn't it be a lot of fun if you could fuck yourself? This was, in all honesty, probably the closest chance either of them would have in a while, if ever, to do what most people can only dream of. Siofra's eyes changed from sharp and angry to soft and seductive, giving her usual pervy grin as she put her hand on her imposter's cheek, thumbing her face as her twin did the same to her.

“Wanna get a closer, more personal look at things, cutie?” asked Siofra, planting a kiss on her imposter's nose, grinning wide. “I dare say, the idea of getting to fuck myself doesn't stop by just any day of the week.”

“...You got a point there, miss.” the imposter said, kissing back and beginning to escalate things, moving a hand over to push the office door closed and locking it before moving her hand back to rub Siofra's shoulder, kissing lower and meeting lip to lip, nibbling on her a bit and pulling her in nice and close.

Siofra just let her and put a hand down the other girl's back, unlatching her bra and slipping her hand down her panties and groping the sweet, round ass she found inside. The other girl even had a trail of freckles on her shoulders and down her back in a similar pattern as she did; guess the gods really just wanted to see some good ol' fashioned selfcest and made two of them just for this. What perverts, Siofra thought to herself, enjoying the idea that somewhere above, her goddess was probably getting off to this about as much as she herself was going to at the very least. And the paladin felt it was her sacred, sworn duty to put on a good show for her mistress; almost as if it was holy ritual.

The sweet imposter latched onto Siofra's neck, pushing her against the wall and helping her get out of her own remaining clothing, tasting all the mash and beer that was rolling off of her on her tongue, lapping it up happily as she rubbed the paladin's shoulders warmly, moving in closer to her chest as Siofra grunted, her face flushing a bit as she got used for the second time today. Her twin began to toy with her tits and flick at her nipples, making her whimper and blush deeper, Siofra beginning to pant a bit as she took it, holding onto the other girl's shoulders and rubbing as she got worked on. One of her twin's hands grew more and more curious, placing a hand on Siofra's slit and rubbing it, palm up as she stroked it back and forth, nice and slow and hard, gathering a good sticky collection of juices on her fingers as she slicked around.

“Geeze, look how wet and hot you are down there already. You seem sensitive and eager in general; care to explain why my hand's already coated in your filthy juices, knight?” asked the imposter, sounding as smug as she could, thumbing Siofra's mouth with her own juices to taunt her, attempting to shame the paladin and forcing her to blush harder as she lapped up the remnants of her old cum from earlier this day and her fresh batch. She continued to tease her, whispering in the paladin's ear “You're a dirty girl, aren't you?” as she slipped a finger inside Siofra's slit and toyed with her inner walls, tracing kisses down her chest and making the poor girl pant harder and drip, her back arching up as she leaked onto her imposter's hand.

“S-slime girl fucking fingered me while working. I'm not one to say no to a lady; g-guess it's still a bit raw and...” Siofra tried to explain, her words cut short as she felt her twin's lips meet her slit, kissing her reddened clit and sucking on it a bit, forcing Siofra to gasp and buck forward against the girl's mouth, feeling close again already. Molested by two girls in the same day, one with her face; she felt lucky until she remembered how sore she'd be later and how hard it'd be to sit properly. Gonna have to spend the day bowlegged yet again. It wouldn't be the first time nor the last.

Her imposter just laughed a bit as she feasted her mouth and tongue upon Siofra's tender cunt flesh, slurping inside of it and fingering her deeply, kissing that cute clit and slurping around it, groping her ass as she pinned her to the wall and forced her to cum against her face, feeling happy and satisfied to exact her revenge on the paladin for being oh so rude to her, milking another successive few small orgasms out of her as she drank up every bit of juice that came out of her and trickled down her own thighs and onto her hand. Gods, she tasted good. As expected of someone who looked just like her, she should taste just as sweet and musky as her. She bit and nibbled as she eked out one last bit of bucking and cumming from poor, drained Siofra, who was slumping over, her legs shaking as she sweat and panted, groaning with each hip thrust, using every bit of willpower to stand up as she was milked entirely dry. Who knew a beer-soaked pussy could taste so very,very sweet?

“Well, maybe from here on, Siofra, you'll behave and treat people at the bar a bit nicer, even if they do have your face. Gonna say you're sorry?” the imposter asked, wiping her mouth on her arm and pointing down to her own cunt, it itself now dripping and reddened, clit very obviously peeking out as the imposter blushed red and grinned. “It's not going to fuck itself, oh mighty paladin. You're not going to leave a girl unsatisfied, are you? I know you. I know your kind.”

Siofra just growled and panted, too out of energy and drained to come up with a witty retort, knowing damn good and well that she really couldn't leave such a glorious, slick cunt unattended, her instincts kicking in as she dove in and began to lick the poor imposter out, pushing her onto the floor in her exhaustion and licking her slit from ass to clit over and over in a fury of hunger and thirst, pushing a finger up her twin's ass and wiggling it around as she pushed her tongue in and out. In and out. Lips wrapped tight around that clit. Two could play at this game.

The poor imposter stood no choice and began to cum hard herself, not able to last long, underestimating just a bit what Siofra could do once she gained her second wind. The paladin didn't lighten up either, keeping herself locked on and forcing a few more strong, shaking volts of orgasm out of her, making her hips dance across her face as she just looked up with a juice soaked face, grinning in triumph.

“You're not bad, but you got a long way to go to surpass the original. So, tell me then, now that I've bested you; how long have you been imitating me and why?” asked Siofra, sitting up and leaning back, trying to regain her energy and composure as she eyed the girl. Poor twin couldn't get up quite yet; partially because she was so worn out and partially because she was hoping it would be that good.

“Ergh, how'd you guess?” the imposter asked, embarrassed.

“You use the same techniques I do in bed and go for the lips and neck first. Nobody would bother to note that unless they were going around asking how I fucked girls for some reason or another. So what's your game?”

“Feh. You're definitely smarter than the girls in pubs have rumored you to be. Fine. I'm Sheila Wallace, and when I had girls in odd towns I'd never been to mistaking me for you and hitting on me, I devised a plan in order to get you to come out and meet me; I just hadn't expected it to be like this. I...kind of wanted to experience what the girl who stole my face could do. I mean, come on, we even have the same initials and everything. World's a funny place.”

“Well, did I at least live up to the rumors of my prowess in bed? That's what mattered to you more, aye?”

“Y-yeah. And then some. Gonna be hard not to think about you when I got someone else's mouth down there now, gotta admit.” Sheila looked away, blushing, as she said this.

“Well next time just ask; you needn't come up with these confusing games just to have a bit of fun. I'd oblige if asked nice enough, ain't nothing complicated. Still, it was fun seeing what I'd feel like in bed. You still got a thousand years before you're as good as me, but it's a start, twin!” teased Siofra, smiling a bit more softly now. “C'mon, let's get dressed and get out of here. I still got to go collect payment for the smelly-ass job I did here.”

Siofra kindly helped Sheila up, kissing her hand and petting her hair, ruffling it up all nice and messy, finding her clothes from within the pile and going out first. “You take care now, missy. I'd cry and never stop crying if I heard that face of yours was scarred or in trouble.”

“Yeah, same to you. Would be a shame for such a lovely visage to be soiled forever.”

With that, the paladin saluted and made her way out of the pub, most certain that everyone could heard them and was now staring at her in even more shock and disdain as she walked away and went to collect her reward from Lindain.

And no, she never did get to tangle trouser snake to snake; lamias tend to have a bit more class than that. Perhaps next time.